Ladies and gentlemen of the blogger fam, the prodigal sister is here again. I can't say I'm back cos I know I'm still in hibernation, so lemme just play catch up while I'm here.
Dear Diary,
9:00am on Friday, the 23rd, my calendar and reminder begin to buzz. I look at my screen and I realise it's my schedule for my #DearDiarySeries. "Oh shit! I whisper to myself. I picked up my pen and notepad hoping one of the many posts I had drafted would flow like water from the ink, 30mins later I was still trying to construct two sentences. So I packed up, hoping to continue after breakfast.
Fast forward to Monday, the 27th, I still had no idea of what to write, not just for the blog. I couldn't put words together to draft a proposal n letter that could define my career. "Oh well, shit happens! I'll just prepare the #DearDiarySeries for the 16-for-16 challenge (if Janyl Beryl does that). Who knows I just might shut down the blog before then sef..." I say to myself as I give up on virtually everything.
Wednesday, the 30th, I wake up at my lowest, give myself a little pep talk to push me for the day, and start my day. I pick up the phone and I see Duru's comment on the blog and I feel my spirits drop again.
...... end of story......
Honestly, I won't be writing this post if not for Duru who begged, solicited, bribed, cried and literally dragged me here.... for that I'm grateful to everyone who has mailed, texted, called and whatever to check up on me, or refreshed this page since my sabbatical leave started. You guys are the Realest MVPs and I love you like I love Ijebu garri and brown groundnuts.
You see in this part of Africa, I don't think anybody ever considers depression as important; my parents actually call it mood swings, as long as you're not lying in bed, shivering or running temperature, then nothing is wrong with you. About 2 weeks ago, my mom looked at me and commented that I was shrinking and looking sick, when I told her I was depressed, she just hissed and left my room like I didn't say anything *shrugs*
I've been in a terrible place for a few months now, and I've been trying to just float until the storm passed. Unlike before, this used to be my venting ground, and every time I dropped a post, I felt lighter or maybe I imagined it. But as time passed, the pains ate deeper and the need to stay away from here got stronger (I probably don't want to infect you my lovelies) which is why I've been away.
I can't categorically state what issues there are here, but I needed to drop the #DearDiarySeries before the month ended. And like Duru said, it is not tales by moonlight, but it's here....
PEACE, LOVE& CHOCOLATES
XOXO
**big teddy hug** You will be fine...
ReplyDeleteHeeyah, just take your time, you will, l definitely get over it and you will be fine in no time
ReplyDeleteXoxo
Esther koko. What is the 'causer' of this Depression ehn?
ReplyDeleteOk I am just kidding. If anyone should know better it's me. So I will just paraphrase Chimamanda Adichie and say it is the nature of depression to lift.
Meaning that it always goes away. So you just have to sit it out.
One day it inexplicably lifts and life is happy once again.
Don't stress it ok.Pele.
*Had to smile at the "I cannot categorically state...." Love you too like Ijebu garri and brown groundnuts.... LOL! *
ReplyDeleteHi Esther, I won't pretend to know whatyou're going through, but I understand how it feels, I get depressed too. Take all the time you need, we're here for you and if you need to talk to, I'm here- night and day.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...words may not work right now. I went through a depression phase just about 3 months ago and one thing I did was to sstay off all blogs even mine. I had my crying phase. I would cry and cry for nothing I could understand but pretty guess what, I'm better now. I would listen to all my favorite songs, conjure silly thoughts in my head just to make me laugh. Stupid thoughts o. They helped. I would take very long walks. Just speak in tongues. Confess positive words. Some days I would only listen to Nickelback or one of those random rock songs. I have this fine cardboard, it's pink in color in tthe shape of a butterfly...I have promises written on them and it's stuck on my mirror. I read it as a reminder. I lost weight no doubt but one other thing that kept me going was my dad. At some point I considered suicide then I asked myself what will happen to my dad if I did? I've always prayed for his salvation but that way I knew it wouldn't come because the man would just follow suit...
ReplyDeletePretty, I don't know what you are going through neither do I know it's weight but trust me when I say this too shall pass. Just try look beyond the moment and start FANTASIZING about 3-4 years from now. Pick up what makes you excited. Shop if you want. Cry, by all means do but please never hurt yourself. Think of those who are blessed in little ways by you just being there. Hugs Esther. You will be fine.
Awwwwgghhhh.. A million likes for this comment Lola toh sure.. :)
DeleteHmmm...words may not work right now. I went through a depression phase just about 3 months ago and one thing I did was to sstay off all blogs even mine. I had my crying phase. I would cry and cry for nothing I could understand but pretty guess what, I'm better now. I would listen to all my favorite songs, conjure silly thoughts in my head just to make me laugh. Stupid thoughts o. They helped. I would take very long walks. Just speak in tongues. Confess positive words. Some days I would only listen to Nickelback or one of those random rock songs. I have this fine cardboard, it's pink in color in tthe shape of a butterfly...I have promises written on them and it's stuck on my mirror. I read it as a reminder. I lost weight no doubt but one other thing that kept me going was my dad. At some point I considered suicide then I asked myself what will happen to my dad if I did? I've always prayed for his salvation but that way I knew it wouldn't come because the man would just follow suit...
ReplyDeletePretty, I don't know what you are going through neither do I know it's weight but trust me when I say this too shall pass. Just try look beyond the moment and start FANTASIZING about 3-4 years from now. Pick up what makes you excited. Shop if you want. Cry, by all means do but please never hurt yourself. Think of those who are blessed in little ways by you just being there. Hugs Esther. You will be fine.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a long epistle here yesterday. What happened to the comment?
ReplyDeleteHey dear..I may not totally understand the state in which you are at the moment but one thing I do understand and I'm certain about is that we all go through a phase at some point but then, giving up is the last thing dat should be on our minds. You've come a long way with this blog and also the challenge. I don't think you should quit now. You could take a lil break nd I'm certain you'd get over it. Stay strong and stay in hun. U'll be fine..I love your blog :) x
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm going to go all split personality on you!
ReplyDeleteThe good: I'm one of the people who don't believe in depression or think it's a clinical wahala. But the truth is we all do feel depressed sometimes and may just need some kind of comforter. Someone to tell us everything will be OK and help us work towards a better day. I still don't think it requires drugs and all that jazz but hey, I'm no doctor or have no medical experience. One thing is certain, do not stay alone, surround yourself with people that have good intentions towards you, family, read funny books, watch 24! Yes jack Bauer will get you back to reality!
The bad/ugly: stop feeling sorry for yourself. A lot of people are in worse situation and would do anything to be you. Sometimes, all you need is your strength especially as a woman cos let's face it, the world isn't fair to women and that said strength is all we have. You have a job, you have family, you are alive! Tap into that goodness and don't blame it on depression mbok!
Duru can be very hmmmm epiphany like and his words have a way of making you happy and totally proud to be you. Keep your head up hun and stay the writer you are! Its not a race or competition as to who updates their blog better and daily. Whatever you post is different cos its your own words and no one can take that from you!
Wishing you all the best!!!
It's so good to see you back! I've missed reading your posts.
ReplyDeleteHope to read from you regularly soon. Though take all the rest you need. :)
You will get out of this. I've been there. Duru actually referred me here to "preach the gospel" but I don't want to overwhelm you. You can check out this post and the comments http://www.mololasblog.com/2015/05/depression-and-her-sisters.html?m=1, you'll see you're not alone and you can win the battle with depression
ReplyDeleteAwww dear
ReplyDeleteI hate to see you like this
Pls, send me an email so I can have your contacts.
Big hugs xx
Whenever you feel the need to talk, you can holla. Remember sharing a problem is partly solving it. I promise to just listen except you need me to give an input.
ReplyDeleteStay strong dear this too shall pass.
Hey Esther,
ReplyDeleteHugs! By the way if you want to, you can talk to me. I have some experience of what you're going through. I will send you private messages on IG.
Have a lovely week,
Clara
estherrr......no......don't do this to me. I am the only person allowed t go on sabbatical on blogsville. please come back
ReplyDeleteWOW! Take your time you ear??? we are always here waiting no matter aw long.
ReplyDeleteTake all the time you need. You deserve it. ;)
ReplyDeleteBest wishes!
ReplyDeleteEstherrrrrr.... if I catch you ehn...no wahala. You have assignment when you come back o
ReplyDeleteI nominated you for the "what's in my bag" challenge... please check it out
http://www.mylifeasmoby.com/2015/05/the-horror-in-my-bag.html
Esther don't do this to us *sad*
ReplyDeleteEyah mami you definitely will come out of it. It's just a phase that will surely pass away..
ReplyDeleteWww.trendwithgloria.blogspot.com
Esther it haff reach na...abi whats all this one you're doing na. abeg.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you personally but I feel what you are going through! Just hold on. One of the ways I get off depression is to go out of my way to do something sacrificial to someone around me. I don't know IG this will work for you but its not bad if you will give it a try.
ReplyDeleteDepression is real and extreme ones can be suicidal. I just pray the holyspirit guide you through. Remain blessed
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Merry Xmas in advance