Saturday, March 28, 2015

THE 15-FOR-15 CHALLENGE: MY WOMAN TALES 3

Hallos my lovelies.... it's my third entry in the 15-fo-15 challenge..... I had a bad dream that Janyl Benyl kicked me out of the challenge and Duru was gloating... so I jumped out of bed and decided to put my enemies to shame..... How have y'all been? I hope you're out voting if you're in Nigeria; if you're not, I hope you're enjoying your Saturday.
 
So, after my post on woman@nodates.com on the 14th of Feb, I got a lot of calls, texts and a few comments asking the same question; "Esther, why are you single? Esther, why don't you have a boyfriend?" It wouldn't have been an issue except that on my birthday, everyone made a point to add that question to the birthday wishes they sent. So here I am, Dear Diary, to give you the top 5 or one million reasons why I'm still single.


  • I AM UNIQUE;
I know everyone says this all the time, in fact most mothers make it a mantra to help increase their kids'self esteem. Well, this is not one of those mantras, cos I'm actually unique. I'm not the usual conventional girl; I'm not going to tag it Nigerian or anything. I'm not a "boy" but I'm not a girl either, and no, I'm not a transvestite and neither, am I confused. I'm just unique. My grandma used to call me "an old soul" and now that I'm grown, I think I finally understand why. I'm way smarter than my age and for that reason, I'm not impressed with the things that make girls my age swoon. To get my attention, you'd have to be extraordinary, maybe unique as well.
Now, I'm not saying I don't get sexually attracted o, but after the "wham! bang! thank you!" what's going to happen next? We can't spend forever making out, and we can't share sex jokes forever either, so what are we going to be doing or saying after the toe curling sex you have to offer? When wee talk, it has to be an intelligent convo and you better know more about the subject than I do, else please take a back seat.
The major problem with being a smartass is the fact that there are not so many guys who are  smarter than me, and the others are intimidated or turned off..... SO?
 
  • I KNOW WHAT I WANT;
You see, the perks of starting to date early in life is that often times than not, you get smarter heartbreak after heartbreak. I had my first boyfriend at 12, and now, 13 years later, and a couple of conquests under my belt, I have moved on from that "the heart wants what it wants BS "(Sorry Selena Gomez). I've been able to filter, sieve, separate and what have you, the quantities from the qualities. I have realized that which is superficial, and that which is eternal over time and so I know better than to settle for anything below bar.
I'm not a perfectionist or anything but at least, I have no plans to be swayed side to side by "the wash". Oh yeah, I still blush when I see a cutie, or when his accent rings in my ears and goes deep down and tickle the pit of my stomach o, but other than that, I know the total package when I see it.
  • I'VE GOT IT ALL TOGETHER;
Yeah, I'm talking bout the Single Independent Girl Syndrome. Before y'all start biting me, lemme say it now. I know I'm still broke, I don't have a car, I'm still looking for a place of my own, my gadgets are not up to date and all that shii but for no reason am I going to b caught dead playing the Damsel in Distress.
I'm not going to ask you to pay for my Peruvian hair or take care of my transport fare; if you offer? Of course, why not. Have you ever heard of Vex Money? Yeah, I'm one of those girls that never go anywhere without it. Even when I'm hanging with the girls, I have it, talk more of you bros. That's one of the major reasons I don't go out when I'm broke so I don't get stranded o.
  • I'M A TAD TOO SELFISH;
I know I should try to tone this down a notch but in all honesty, I'm not eager to. You see, I used to be that girl who would give an arm and a leg for the one I love, all you had to do was ask for it. It took a lot of ear-drawing advice sessions with my mom, and some more "Boooooo! in your face" from the brothers to set me straight.
I don't want to bore y'all with the details of how I gave half of my school fees to one Le Boo for him to eat abi buy textbooks, or how I gave money to another one to gaan see the side chic (abi was I the side chic sef? *inserts thinking face*). But right now, I'm all about loving me first. I'm that girl you'll tell "I love you" and I'll reply "I love me too".
  • I'M TOO MUCH OF A PLAYER;
Maybe I'm too paranoid, but honestly, I'm that girl who calculates a guy's actions for 3hrs even before he says anything to me. For that reason, I always base my actions and reactions on the calculated actions, and even when I turn out wrong, I just find it difficult to change my already programmed reactions. Over time, I've found out that I'd rather play the games I already have programmed in my head than be caught unawares by the "opponent"; to me, every approaching dude is an opponent.
I clearly almost always want to have a plan B in case of the inevitable. I can't think of spending so much time, energy and resources on one person when there are a thousand and one other people in need of the time, the love, the energy and the resources. I'd rather believe that all a new dude wants is a romp and be proved wrong than to believe that he really wants the heart and soul connections and be caught in some stupid tales.
  • I SECRETLY STILL BELIEVE IN DISNEY LOVE STORIES;
Please don't shoot me for this but in some tiny part of my cold heart, I believe in Prince Charming. I still have dreams of some young, handsome man in ripped jeans and muscled T-shirt with plenty beards coming around and sweeping me senselessly off my feet.
My lovelies, you should watch my daydreams sometimes, you'll be amazed at the award winning, blockbuster romance movies I cook up.
  • I GET BORED EASILY;
I think this might be partly due to my selfishness, but majorly because I love my company so much, everyone else's routines bore me easily. No matter how much I like you, and just want to be with you all the time, the minute a part of me realizes that we're stuck in a routine, I just run away. I want spontaneous, and exciting and all that plenty drama and magic that only I can create, and when I don't see any of it coming from you, ..............
 
Having listed all these reasons, I think that everything boils down to the fact that I'M SCARED OF COMMITMENTS. The word RELATIONSHIP scares me shitless. I'm fine with just hanging out, going for drinks and all, but the moment you tag it a date, don't be surprised if you don't see my brakelights anymore cos I'll run 440 o. I still can't imagine how you just give one person total control to do with your heart, soul and body whatever they please; that shii cray mehnn.
So maybe, I'd rather pick hanging out with players and playing their games with them, or be selfish just to escape the whole entanglement of relationships.
 
 
PEACE, LOVE& CHOCOLATES
XOXO
 
 

12 comments:

  1. Gurrrrl you need Jesus... Be you, have fun, test the waters, discover and know yourself so no one defines you. I'm all for that. Prince Charming is coming me I'm already saving for your aso-ebi

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    Replies
    1. Lohla I'm waiting for Baby Sean to grow up now...

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  2. I think Narcissus has a hold on you ...like he kinda does on me, so I won't put you on blast. You'd be better for it if you just slide down that high horse, graciously. I'm here, baby Sean is waaaaaaay too little. "Benjamin Franklin' ...lol.

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  3. Hahahaha Esther oooo. . . You know as I was reading every paragragh. I was just saying; "O-m-g! that's so me!" How can someone be like this too?.*shivers* Lol!

    But seriously, you need to be mentally as well as spiritually prepared to leave the singles syndrome. I actually don't believe in dating just for the fun of it. That's a waste of time. And time is life.

    For me, I'm single because I haven't found the one whose dreams can sync with mine. I aint gon compromise my purpose for one man. Nah!

    Lovely read, btw.

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  4. You will not go and marry be here deceiving people

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    Replies
    1. heheheheheheheheheheheh its a Lie!!! Noble Igwe!! CEO of 360 Nobs.. Chisos!!! Esther Koko!!! Wake up!! Ammma call You ASAP... a NeFer hexsperrEd it!! :)

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  5. Very lovely!! You're an amazing writer.

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  6. Nice write-up babes... #KindredSpirit... :)

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  7. Even if you are commitment shy, at least you know what you want so when you see it I trust you'll arrange yourself ;-)
    Good piece coming in 3rd. I laughed and ohhhheeed.

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  8. Oossshheeeyy Turn Up!! hehehehehe I think You were just having a bit of Malaria, as those dreams must have been symptoms.. On a lighter note shaa.. Esther Koko saw me in her dream.. Osssshheeeey!! iBlush.. Thats a good sign eh, I need to work harder on my toasting skill to break through..... **Shines teeth...

    I must say that this post is frosh!! Okay...**Waves at Oga Boss Noble Igwe.. Ehm,.. Sir can i get a branded Autographed 360 nobs Tee??! Turn Up Turn uP ladies and gentlemen, Esther Koko be bursting our brain... I for one think that your problem is not fear of commitment Bubba, but Utmost confusion... I was gonna analyse every point you made, but i Chose to behave myself just Incase Noble Igwe wants to gimme a writting gig. hehehe... anyhow shaaa.. Amma still tell you why I think you are confused... Because You know what you want.. but still refuse to accept it when you see it! Truth is many brothers become another person just to **In Esther Koko's voice.. "get a Romp" whereas in reality, we are actually cool calm and prince charmingly collected.. I think on the long run yeah, it all boils down to image..

    However jejely bewarned that your kind are helpless Romantics.. You know like Coconuts with 3 layers...The Externally Hard layer 1, the soft calm white Layer 2.. And the extremely soft Water... Layer 3.. Baby mi.. Love is a beauRiful thing, and companionship is impoRRant... Lets not get it twisted.. and the crowd goes.. Osssshhheeeey Turn uP!

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  9. Nice post Mami. I hope you find someone that complement you soon.

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  10. I feel you jare. Why settle for second best when you can still chill with First best (yourself) till you meet someone worth sharing your best with and who also wants to give you his best.

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I appreciate all your lovely comments....... Don't leave without dropping a word

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