#SERIES& DISCUSSION// ABUSE 2

Continued from Here

Hallos my lovelies...... How is your week been so far, I hope it's been going fine cos mine has.....

Today, we'll be continuing Series Tuesday with our discussion on ABUSE....... Today's focus will be on self abuse...... So sit tight, learn and enjoy 

#SERIES& DISCUSSION// ABUSE

I promised y’all that I would only write what I know or I’m conscious of, and I’m pretty sure I’ve kept that promise well enough.

Well, for Series Tuesday we’re launching a discussion series on ABUSE because it’s the most discussed issue and yet it still remains a hazard.

#SERIES& DISCUSSIONS// INSECURITY 3

Hello my lovelies... How has your week been so far, I hope it has been making sense o? If it hasn't, just hang in there it will fall in place in time.

So today is SERIES TUESDAY, we'll be concluding our discussion on insecurity {click here to read the previous discussions} and we'll be highlighting a few steps to OVERCOME INSECURITY.... so as always, sit tight, read, learn, comment, share, and most importantly ENJOY.....

#SERIES& DISCUSSIONS// INSECURITY 2

Hello my lovely lovelies.... All my Oga Bosses and Madam Bossettes how una dey? How's xmas shopping and prepping going down? Anyone needs my help with spending THEIR money? Just holla o.....

Meanwhile, I hope you all like the Christmassy look the blog has taken..... I had to find more ways to wish you my lovely, darling readers a wonderful Christmas celebration.

Today, we'll continue our SERIES TUESDAY discussion on INSECURITY [click here if you missed the first part] and we'll be pointing out the signs of insecurity..... So sit tight, read, comment, share, learn, and most importantly, enjoy.

#SERIES& DISCUSSIONS// INSECURITY

Hello.... hello.... hello my lovely lovelies..... the aaaahhhhs in my shoki..... Welcome to SERIES TUESDAY.......

Today, we'll be discussing INSECURITY..... I did a brief post on Insecurity here..... Oya stop reading and gaan read it first then come back.....

Shey you're back eh, oya sit down, read, comment, share, learn, and most importantly enjoy.

From our previous discussions on jealousy, we were able to establish that jealousy more often times than not, is as a result of insecurity. Insecurity could be as a result of low self esteem, lack of confidence or sometimes, overconfidence.

For instance, you believe you’re the best at say customer service in your workplace, and then a newbie who probably is just as good as you or even better, joins the company and becomes everyone’s favorite. It is possible that he isn’t aware of the friction he might be causing, but you in all of your overconfidence will see him as a threat, and your insecurities of being overthrown make you act out, you could become a bully or begin to bad mouth him and a whole lot of other crazy things

We all deal with insecurity at some point or another; it’s a natural way to try and gauge our every actions. I would like us to all know that we all have insecurities. We all have areas in our lives in which we aren’t 100% confident or perfect, it’s part of our existence.

I, for example, have mad insecurities about my booblessness. It’s so bad that I walk around in my nighties with a bra on until I’m in my room, and by bra, I mean really really padded bra. I remember back then in secondary school when my mates started growing seeds in their breasts and I couldn’t feel anything in mine, I was as flat as a slate, then they moved on to wearing bras and I was stuck on jumpers. I became so embarrassed about it that I went and bought a bra with my pocket money and I’d stuff it with my socks before wearing it so that people will think I had boobs too. Another thing I’m probably insecure about would be my drawings….. Lawd Gawd….. those things are awful!!!! As in I can’t draw to save my own life. Recently on TTT, we had an art competition of the sort, I couldn’t participate cos I mean, my drawing is even worse than Tibs rendition of Amazing Grace.

In my opinion, insecurities are just pronouncements of fear. Fear of the judgments of others; fear of the arbitrary thoughts others might think and feel about us. Insecurity is simply our reaction to one of the only things we have absolutely no control over, and that is the way other people think about us and perceive us and judge us.  

So, for the purpose of this post, I went to my best friend Google to help me with the types of insecure people we have. He gave me these 5;

•  Those who wrap themselves in positivity and pretend they have no insecurities: You see the thing about these people, they live in denial as we discussed here. Most of us do not want to be perceived as negative people but the truth is that, the moment you begin to lie to yourself about things that you ought not to, you have become a negative person. These people I’ll like to call PERMA-POSITIVE, have the “nothing can ever get me down cos I’m in charge of my destiny and my own happiness, therefore there’s no room for insecurities in my life” talk to give all the time. Take for example someone who is scared of heights and just because everybody is going skydiving, he quotes PHIL 4:13; I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGHTENS ME and joins them then probably has a panic attack and something bad happens to him up there. That wasn’t an optimistic or positive person, he was just plain stupid. What happened to baby steps?
• Those who verbally and constantly doubt themselves and put themselves down: these set of people are called NEGATIVITY. They’re the reasons the first set of people live in denial cos they don’t want to be like them. These set of people in their own eyes have no good attribute or talents or gifts or nothing, they can do no good in their own sights. Most of the time, they’re quiet until they’re called upon to perform a task, then they begin to tell the world all the things they suck at, all the talents they don’t seem to have and throw a grandiose pity party over it. We definitely have been around people like this at different points in our lives. Working with people like these is very tiring, cos you probably have to carry 90% of the workload, as well as try your possible best not to make them feel bad about themselves while you want to celebrate your achievements.

•   Those who tackle their insecurities with humor: I pretty much fall into this category maybe cos I’m quite shameless and by the help of God I’ve come to realize it’s who I am. But I had a post on my insecurities and how I worked through them here, and I realized I became a comedian just to get people to back off from the things I worried about the most. Right now, I’m the first one to make a joke about how small my boobs are or how large my eyes are, so that you don’t bother thinking “oh…. I can make her sad by criticizing her drawings” or anything of the sort. It’s like when we tell Ada, ”Nigger, your nose is too large” and she be like, “it helps me smell bullshit from a long distance” now that’s humor.
•   Those who make up all sorts of fabulous stories and tales about themselves that aren't true: these people are pathological liars, they don’t even know when these lies come out, all them LIANUS MBA. Bring up a story from your vacation in Cotonu, and they’ll spring up one fancy story about their trip to the Bahamas. I know a guy like this, the guy dey lie ehnnnnn, even his brothers used to tell us that if he greets us good morning, we have to check the clock or go outside to be sure that it’s actually morning before we can answer him. The incessant, unnecessary lying on its own is an insecurity sef without their knowledge.
• Those who act out of insecurity to try and cover it up: these are the hardest type of insecure people to spot cos they sometimes don’t know it, and the ones who do will deny it immediately. Most jealous people that act on their jealousy fall under this category. People like this when in relationships, and then they suddenly have this nudge that their partner is cheating (and they always do have this nudge), act out on their insecurity by either starting a cold war with their partner, or calling them out, or the crazy ones that actually cause bodily harms to their partners or the suspected third party in their “nudges”. There’s this channel I stumbled on some time ago that shows crimes and how they’re solved, some of the crimes they called CRIMES OF PASSION or so, were perpertrated by people in this category. My friend who I described in my post on HeyNaija also falls in this category.

............to be continued..............
So my lovelies, what are your insecurities? How have you been able to work through them so far? 

Till the next time I see you, Stay Handsome and Beautiful

XOXO

#SERIES& DISCUSSIONS// GUEST POST// JEALOUSY2

Hello lovelies.... Good evening.... I'm sorry to be bringing the concluding part of our guest post on Jealousy [click here if you missed the first part]  na network and light palaver cause am o.

• JEALOUSY AMONG SIBLINGS

Jealousy among siblings is somewhat related to siblings rivalry and this is mostly fueled by parents.
When parents begin to compare children, resentment creeps in too, when parents also place expectations on children and one meets the expectations while the other doesn't, jealousy creeps in and in extreme cases can tear families apart.

SOLUTIONS TO JEALOUSY
These 11 steps from wikihow can help you handle jealousy;
1. Understand the emotion of jealousy;
 A combination of fear and anger, jealousy is fed by the fear of losing someone (or a cherished situation/state of affairs) and anger that someone else is "moving in" on the person or situation that is of value to you personally. It's a destructive and ignoble emotion and nothing good can come of it, so recognition of its occurrence is your number one self-defense.
2. Deconstruct why you feel jealous in the first place;
 From a place of self-compassion, try to figure out why you're feeling jealous. Often jealousy is about reliving an experience of failure from the past that continues to inform your level of trust (or lack thereof) toward people in the present, even though current conditions may be vastly different.
 Other motivators for feeling jealous include: a high level of insecurity, anger toward yourself and fear of abandonment or vulnerability. If you're honest with yourself, you will realize that feeling jealous often rears its head at the same time you feel threatened, afraid of being abandoned or when you feel you just cannot trust the other person, no matter how little basis your lack of trust has. However, this shouldn't be about finding nothing but fault with yourself––being compassionate about your self-assessment is an essential part of staying objective about the green eyed monster.
3. Take a good look at the effect your jealous behavior has on other people;
 It can be easy to justify your suspicious mind by viewing the defensive responses of others as confirmation of your suspicions. However, defensiveness is a natural response to people who are placed under pressure to justify their actions, whereabouts and thoughts all of the time––being constantly questioned as to what you're doing, where you're going and where you've been is tiring, disparaging and quickly demoralizing. People feeling squeezed by a jealous line of questioning and assumptions will also feel undermined, badgered and frustrated. Reactions that display impatience, frustration, irritation and anger are not confirmations of guilt––they are signs that the person has reached the end of a tether and is defending his or her genuine, non-suspicious actions.
If you suddenly decide that your friend or lover is incapable of fending off the advances of a new friend or lover, then you have placed that person in a really insidious position of both having to reassure you at the same time as realizing that the lack of trust you have in him or her places a wedge in the relationship that wasn't there previously. Put yourself into his or her shoes––how would you feel if badgered in this fashion?
4. Tackle your feelings now;
 Learn to question your jealousy every time that it emerges. For example, say to yourself: "Is this jealousy because I feel afraid or angry? Why am I feeling fear or anger here?" When you begin to question what makes you jealous in the moment, you can begin to take positive steps to manage the feelings constructively, without the cloud of negative emotion that typically accompanies jealousy. Some questions to ask yourself include:
"Why am I jealous over this?"
"What is making me jealous?"
" What am I trying to keep?"
"Why do I feel threatened?"
5.  Change any false beliefs that might be fueling your jealousy;
 There are often false, baseless beliefs that underlie reactions of jealousy. If you examine the belief, you can often eliminate the jealousy. Some common underlying beliefs without basis include “Everyone is out to get my money” or “If this person leaves me, I won't have any friends.” In both cases, these are generalizations that could never be applied to every person you know or meet. In fact, these are preemptive defenses against the potential of something bad happening to you. Beliefs are changeable by choice. If you change your belief, you change the way you feel. Choose to tell yourself a belief that is nurturing and supportive, and you'll feel better. If you think it's better to think negatively, ask yourself what possible benefit that brings you over thinking more healthily––thoughts create emotions and you have the choice to make the thoughts negative or positive. When you begin taking steps to creating a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, you will find the anger and the fear easier to manage, removing the fuel for the jealous feelings.
Be aware that your thoughts can happen so quickly that you don't even realize consciously that you've had a negative thought. Developing greater awareness of your thoughts and what triggers them is a large part of tackling the problem.
6. Take notice of which part of your body is affected;
 Fear is often felt as a dropping or clutching sensation in your stomach, while anger often manifests itself as a burning, tight sensation in your shoulders and jaw. As well, it's not unusual to feel both fear and anger at the same time, bringing forth all of the bodily impacts mentioned. Noticing bodily sensations can be a telltale signal for you to start changing how you're thinking and to question the jealous feelings.
7. Apologize;
 Before doing anything else, make the other person feel better if you've gone far enough to expose your jealous emotions around him or her. Realize that by not apologizing, you are in actual effect seeking to punish the other person for your feelings. The act of apologizing in itself shouldn't be lengthy or complicated––the fact that you do apologize will help begin to break the cycle. Simply make a conscious decision to stop indulging in suspicions and say to the other person something like: "I'm sorry for asking those questions of you. I've had some silly jealous thoughts that have caused me to imagine what isn't there." This will often be sufficient to give both of you the space to discuss what has just taken place––recognition of your poor behavior and the need to be more open together about what you're going through.
8. Communicate your feelings and dialog about your jealousy problem together;
 Sharing your true feelings with the affected person and talking it through can be a very cathartic and constructive way to start mending the damage done. It can also be a way of creating an ally, someone who will feel able to point out when you make unreasonable jealous demands on him or her without expecting comeback. When talking through what you've been feeling, take heed of the following:
Avoid passing on blame to the other person. His or her behavior is not the cause of your feelings––you are responsible for your feelings.
Stick to "I" statements rather than saying anything that smacks of "you make me feel…". Instead of saying, "You shouldn't have done that," say, "I felt terrible when that incident happened."
Be aware that how you perceive situations may be completely at odds with how the other person saw them. Stay as open-minded as possible, even though this will probably mean that you sometimes feel extremely defensive. Do your best to keep quiet and listen rather than constantly butting in with justifications.
Above all, be compassionate, both for yourself and for the person you've been offloading your jealousy onto. Recognize the harm you've caused, the harm you've suffered and work with it to find better ways forward. Be passionate about your desire to improve your feelings and try to outgrow jealousy.
In most cases, this won't be a one-off conversation. You'll need to agree to keep coming back to talking any time the green eyed monster gets out of hand again.
9. Bear in mind at all times that feelings of jealousy are about you, not about the other person;
 Any sense that things are out of control means that you need to transfer the intensity of what you're feeling into something constructive rather than continuing to over-analyze the relationship (or situation). For example, get involved in a sport, some exercise, a hobby or participating in volunteer work. Do something that takes you out of yourself and causes you to focus beyond the relationship or situation and gives you an outlet for your emotions that is healthier than ruminating and raising suspicions.All this doesn't mean escaping from putting two and two together.
10. Learn from your jealousy;
 The ignoble, negative emotions have a role in our lives, one of teaching each of us how to be a better person for struggling and overcoming them. They have a place, just not one that controls you and excuses poor behavior. Some of the things jealousy might be teaching you include:
You are frightened when a relationship is new and still has some way to go before it feels secure. This is a commonplace feeling in young relationships for many people, and both possessiveness as well as sense of vulnerability at getting close to someone, can drive feelings of jealousy.( ...and we're so fond of seducing people; testing our power can become a very harming pass time )
You're afraid someone else will take your job, salary, role, position, and so forth. In this case, it's probable that you're afraid of financial insecurity (survival instinct) or you feel that you're an impostor in your role, the latter an all-too-commonly held false belief in many high-achieving people in the workforce. Remember that you wouldn't have been given the role or position unless other people felt you had earned it.( don't be your worst and closest enemy) Try living up to that trust in you rather than seeing demons hovering in every corner.
You feel your lover has a roving eye. In romantic relationships, both men and women continue to check out other men and women. It's biologically driven and it's natural. However, in the majority of cases, it does not mean that the person wants to leave the relationship he or she is in with you. It is, for most people, about appreciating the human form and not about a roaming eye. This misunderstanding has long created unnecessary jealousy as long as relationships have existed; it can help to accept that it's okay for a person in a committed relationship to look, provided there's no touch!
You listen to people who say mean or exaggerated things and let this direct your emotions. Take a stand ! Be true to yourself and those you love ! All too common, many people are easily convinced by the village gossip because it sounds so compelling and seems like it must be right. The reality is that it rarely is right and it's always far better to not listen to people who chatter away making things up as they go. Let these people go get jobs as celebrity gossip journalists while you get on with facing the facts instead.
You dislike looking within yourself and working through difficult emotions. It's typical to externalize painful emotions, to try and make them someone else's problem than to do the hard work of facing them and dealing with them internally. Jealousy is painful but by facing it, you can repair much internal damage that ultimately makes your relationships stronger and more enduring.
11. Trust yourself;
 Trust begins at home, with yourself. If you learn to trust yourself, you can radiate this trust onto others. Begin by making a list of all your good points. Stick this list up somewhere that you can see it regularly, to remind yourself that you're fully equipped with great talent, skills and features already. Moreover, only compare yourself to yourself, always seeking to outdo your last achievement without worrying what other people are doing. Remind yourself daily through a journal, affirmations or other effective way that you have what it takes, like the song goes, to be fulfilled in life. Practicing healthy thinking must be a daily, recurring action––that's why it involves constant practice. In time, the healthier thinking processes will take over the destructive ones and help you to become a whole person, resilient, capable and not prone to jealous thoughts.
Work on relevant aspects of your self esteem if you feel it's lacking. When you have more confidence in yourself, you'll be less likely to feel jealous.
Read some self-help books on jealousy, you'll feel you're getting your grips on that mean, insidious emotion.

Jealousy is not the same thing as love. Sometimes, people think that by feeling jealous about someone, they are loving him or her by being possessive or wanting ownership over the person. Jealousy is not love; it’s the fear and anger of losing out or being abandoned.

So with that lovelies, we've come to the end of our discussion on Jealousy.... Thank you Amaka for the enlightenment.....

Duru, Moby, Ame, Buiti, Obiamaka n co. I'm still waiting for your guest posts o.....

Till the next time I see you again, Stay Beautiful and Handsome

XOXO

#SERIES & DICUSSIONS// GUEST POST// JEALOUSY

Good day lovelies...... I know y'all have finally forgiven me so I'm here to prove to you that you didn't make a mistake *shines teeth*

Welcome to SERIES TUESDAY...... Our discussion is headed by the one n only Amy Baby of Seyon Hudeyin's Blog and we'll be discussing Jealousy.... so sit tight, read, learn, share, n most importantly, ENJOY!!!!!

JEALOUSY.

The emotion of jealousy is one of the seven negative emotions listed by Napoleon Hill, the others being: the emotion of fear, the emotion of hatred, the emotion of revenge, the emotion of greed, the emotion of superstition and the emotion of anger.

The urban dictionary defines jealousy as

 "the feeling of being threatened by a rival in a romantic relationship on losing something of value to another person which happens to be yours already"

I know from my little experience on earth that jealousy is not only linked to a romantic relationship like the urban dictionary stated so I checked further.

Merriam Webster dictionary defines jealousy as

"being intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness, a. Hostile attitude towards a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage".

Now, I'm very sure we all have experienced jealousy at some points in our lives, give or take but for the purpose of this post, I'll like to categorise jealousy into three.

  1) Jealousy in friendship

Jealousy has the power to ruin  friendships if it is not kept in check.

I remember when I was in the university, I had this particular friend who was consumed by the green eyed monster. If I bought a new dress, she'll buy two, same with shoes etc. It seemed funny to me because she was in was a rat race with herself not me and I really felt for her but hey! *shrugs*

The truth is y'all can bear me witness that even the best of friends can get jealous of each other at all times especially if they are both going after similar things in life, I've been there and I'm sure you have too but the good news is that you have to realise that you are two separate individuals who will make his/her own way even if you have the same goals in mind after all the Bible said;

 "I returned and saw under the sun that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor favour to men of skill but time and chance happeneth to them all" - Ecclesiastes 9:12.

Allowing jealousy to seep far into your mind and heart will only rob you of happiness and if you look at it, most times when we feel jealous, self esteem is involved as poor self esteem is the chief cause of Jealousy.

Instead of getting jealous of your friend's achievement, why not use it as an inspiration to having a better life?

2) Jealousy in relationships.
I've heard it over and again that it is normal to exhibit a lil jealousy in a relationship but since jealousy is a negative emotion and like Napoleon Hill stated that

"the presence of a single negative in your conscious mind is sufficient to destroy all change of constructive aid from your subconscious mind".

 There are 1001 ways to show that you care other than exhibiting jealousy.
Without trying to brag or sound modest, I honestly cannot remember exhibiting jealousy in all my relationships, past or present; it doesn't just work for me.
I had a close pal whose boyfriend banned her from having body contact with guys (hugging, shaking, etc). She didn't have a life as he was practically everywhere she was, the only time she could breathe was when she was sleeping, each time I told her To break up with him as he was destroying he life, she would remind me of all the hours of sex she had given him *sigh* I think he knew I didn't like him so he told her I was a bad influence *I'm digressing*
Snooping, keeping tabs on your partner's movement will only give you high blood pressure my dear! Why date someone you do not trust in the first instance?
A dangerous form of jealousy in relationship is morbid jealousy in which the object of contention is sexual infidelity with no claims 99% of the time (imagine). Here, one partner holds. The delusion that their partner is unfaithful. People who Suffer from morbid jealousy stalk their partner and forms of morbid jealousy are obsession and delusion.
Jealousy is not a form of affection, don't be deceived!

.........to be continued..........

My lovely lovelies, I hope y'all learnt a thing or two from Amaka's post o. Please jealousy is evil, don't let the devil use you o.....

Till the next time I see you, stay Beautiful and Handsome& Don't Be Jealous

XOXO

SERIES& DISCUSSIONS// REACTION DISORDERS 3

Holla lovelies!!!! It's Tuesday again!! How did your Monday go? Hope it went well? Welcome to SERIES TUESDAY!!!!

Today, we'll be having the concluding part of REACTION DISORDERS. If you're just joining us, click here for Part 1 or Part 2.

Today's housewives are my favourite of the lot, and their coping mechanisms as you will see are positive ones. So sit tight, read, comment, share, lesrn, and most importantly ENJOY!!!!!

#SERIES& DISCUSSIONS || REACTION DISORDERS 2

Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Hello lovelies!!! Good day..... Happy Tuesday, and welcome to SERIES TUESDAY . If you missed PART 1 click here.

Today we'll discuss two more disorders, and as well as their relative Desperate Housewives characters.

Sit tight, read, comment, share, and most importantly Learn...

#SERIES& DISCUSSIONS // REACTION DISORDERS

*drum roll*

Good day lovelies!! It's Tuesday!! I hope your Monday wasn't as bleeehh as mine? Welcome to the premiere of SERIES TUESDAY !!!

Today, we'll be discussing REACTION DISORDERS ! Okay.... alright, I'm not discussing anything medical biko,

WELCOME NOTE

Hello! Hello!! Hii!! How are you all doing? I hope you're all doing great. It's Tuesday and I hope your week is going well. If it isn't, go back to sleep and restart your week...